Atomic Spoils

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Spoiler Fantastic

This week on our podcast, My Bleeding Ears (listen to us on Sound Cloud and Google Play!), I discussed Captain Fantastic.  This one is for you, Mom.  

The movie opens on a deer in the woods.  We see little faces covered in camo/mud stalking said deer.  A teenage boy leaps out of the trees, and slits the deer's throat. Soon five other kids and a man named Ben (Viggo Mortensen) emerge from the woods.  Ben places his hands on the teenage boy, Bodevan (George MacKay and not a Culkin like I thought throughout the movie), and says, "Today the boy is dead and in his place is a man."

They wash the mud off in a stream and bring the deer home for dinner, clothing, etc. (they use all the parts like Native Americans, so I'm allowing the animal violence in this one). They head home, which is a cabin in the wilderness where they grow their own crops, can things for winter, and except for the deer murder and lack of TV, I think I'd love it there.  There's even a tree house.  Sure, a kid is up there de-boning a rat, but still.  Tree house!

 The cover of one of the books isn't quite visible,
but you see the words, "middle earth," so HAHA, movie. 
I see what you did.

Ben teaches the kids how to spar, then they light a fire, read books and have intellectual discussions.

Ben gives them homework, and then they begin to play instruments.  They all play a song together with drums, guitar, a harmonica, and a tambourine.  We discover that their mother has been gone for three months and the children ask when she is coming home.  

The next day, Ben is loading up a school bus that he's repurposed into an RV.  The kids' mother, Leslie (Trin Miller) has been in the hospital for reasons we don't know yet.  Ben doesn't believe in hospitals until he has to. So he is a man of science, at least.  Bodevan goes with him on the trip.  They stop at a gas station where Bodevan runs into two teenage girls.  He is rendered speechless.  He goes back to the bus and pulls out several letters of acceptance to college.  He's hiding these from Ben.

Ben uses a phone in a bar to call his sister Harper (Kathryn Hahn) and ask about Leslie.  Leslie slit her wrists last night.  She's dead.  Ben goes home to tell the kids and they react the way kids react when they find out their mother is suddenly dead.  Ben plays a mournful tune on bagpipes.  

We get a workout montage.  Afterwards, the kids ask when their mother's funeral is.  Cut to Ben back on the bar phone.  He's talking to Leslie's father Jack (Frank Langella) about Leslie's will and burial wishes.  Jack freaks out an tells Ben to stay away from the funeral.  He is not invited.  Leslie's mom Abigail (Ann Dowd) is on the phone, too.  She tells Ben it's OK and lets him know where the funeral will be.  

The family piles into the bus to attend the funeral.  On the road, Kielyr (Samantha Isler) is reading Lolita.  Ben orders her to discuss it.  At first, she brings up what it's about, but Ben wants to know what she thinks about it. She says it's f*$%!ed up because a grown man is obsessively in love with a 12 year old girl, but since the story is told from his perspective, she hates him and feels sorry for him at the same time.  (I just hate him.)  Zaja (Shree Crooks) asks what "sexual intercourse" is and Ben tells her flat out. She's icked. 

They marvel at how fat people are in civilization. Then they agree that they shouldn't make fun of anyone, "except Christians."  If you ask me, it depends on the Christian, but I see their point.  

They get pulled over for a broken tail light and the cop wonders why the kids aren't in school.  Bodevan says they are home schooled and proceeds to act like an insane born-again Christian.  The kids follow suit.  This is one of a few examples of how the kids are intelligent enough to be little con artists.  The cop gets scared off.  

Kielyr is aiming an arrow at a flock of sheep, but she can't go through with it because they aren't trying to escape.  (I'm bored. -- My notes)

In the car, Kielyr and Vespyr are speaking in a foreign language.  (They speak several languages.) Ben scolds them, saying they cannot speak a language that not everyone in the bus understands. 

They go to a diner, and the kids are excited to order this food, but Ben is disgusted by the menu, so they go to a grocery store.  And if you're wondering how they plan to pay for said food, so was I.  Well, they don't.  Ben fakes a heart attack.  They make a huge scene, and in the chaos, they make off with the groceries.         

They camp and celebrate Noam Chomsky Day.  Ben hands out gifts and Zaja's gift is "The Joy of Sex," and OK that made me LOL.  Her reaction is priceless. Rellian (Nicholas Hamilton) is angry about the made up holiday because other families celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, etc. 

I couldn't find a pic of Zaja receiving "The Joy of Sex" or of Kathryn Hahn and Steve Zahn in this movie,
so you just have to trust that her face was hilarious and those two really are in this movie.  

Now they are at Harper and Dave's (Steve Zahn) house for the night and having dinner.  Dave says he's very sorry for their loss and Ben reveals to us that the last time they were together, Dave called Leslie a "fucking bitch" in an argument about sugar.  I guess what he actually said was, "stop acting like a fucking bitch."  Because that's better.  They continue to discuss Leslie.  She was bipolar, and while Dave and Harper try to shelter their two sons from the conversation, Ben openly discusses the illness.  Harper storms out and Dave follows.  

The kids watch as Dave and Harper's boys play some modern fighting video game, and again, the two little kids' faces make me LOL.  I love these kids.  Harper and Ben argue.  Ben and his kids set up camp outside and Harper is bugged because they had made up the rec room for them.

The next morning, Harper and Ben continue to argue.  Harper says the kids need to be in school and learn about the world.  Ben tests this theory by calling her boys into the kitchen and quizzing them on the Bill of Rights.  They don't have the first clue what that is.  Then he asks his kids and they report out on it in detail.  Point: Ben.

The family leaves in the bus and goes to stay in a campground instead.  Bodevan does yoga and a girl, Clair (Erin Moriarty) approaches him.  He introduces himself and says that all of their names are made up so that they can have unique names.  So that's what it is.  As a Jessalynn, I get it.  I love my name.  Google my full name, I AM THE ONLY ONE.

She's from the first season of Jessica Jones.  It was bugging me, too.

That night they hang out at the pool. Bodevan mentions Dr. Spock and Clair says she loves Star Trek or something.  He pretends to know what she's talking about.  She kisses him, and then starts to take him to a second location so they can get it on, but her mom (Missi Pyle) stops them.  Bodevan declares his intentions by getting down on one knee and proposing, and we're all supposed to believe this is a con, but when the women laugh, it appears that he wasn't joking, and I like this kid.  Have y'all seen this kid before?  I need to check out some other movies of his if there are some.   

No, I'm not putting a dick pic in my blog. Pervs.

The next morning, Ben is standing in the doorway of the bus with a cup of coffee and that is all.  If you missed his penis in Eastern Promises, then here is your chance.  

Back on the road, they pass a golf course on the way to the funeral and I get it, luxury is gross.  Here's our first flashback of Leslie and it's cute and sad.  At the funeral, I squawk in delight at the site of Aunt Lydia, which I know is a weird reaction to have, but I love you, Ann Dowd.  The family is all dressed up in flashy, colorful 70s-looking suits and I check one more time to make sure Wes Anderson had nothing to do with this movie.   

Ben hijacks the eulogy and tells everyone about the real Leslie.  He reads the part of her will where she wants to be cremated, and then have the ashes flushed down a toilet.  And I definitely didn't get on my high horse about how cremation is also a waste of energy and toilets a waste of water.  I mean, if this family is living so clean, they should know better.  Eyeroll.  They get kicked out of the funeral.  (I still don't care. At least A Cure for Wellness entertained me when it lectured me about consumerism. -- My notes)

Leslie's parents go outside and meet the two youngest kids for the first time.  Ben fights with Jack and then they separate.  Ben proclaims to the kids that he is going to "rescue" their mom and all the kids think he's crazy and want him to stop.  Finally, Bodevan says, "PLEASE STOP.  WE CAN'T LOSE YOU, TOO," and, freaking DUH, BEN, GET IT TOGETHER I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART.  They go back to the campground.  

Bodevan and Rellian are on the basketball court.  Rellian is full of rage.  He says their dad made their mom crazy and that he's dangerous.  Rellian storms off.  

You see the Culkin thing, too, right?

Back at the bus, Ben is polishing off a bottle of wine.  Bodevan shows him his college acceptance letters and Ben is sarcastic and drunk and a total dick about it.  This movie is REALLY lucky it got someone like Viggo Mortensen to play Ben because that's the only thing keeping me from hating this dude.  Bodevan admits that his mom was helping him apply.  "I am a FREAK because of YOU.  MOM KNEW THAT."  I love this decidedly NOT a Culkin kid!

Aw the bus's name is Steve.  Is it after Steve Zahn?  I hope so.  We should name more things after him.  Where is he?  I miss him.  

They drive to Leslie's parents and Rellian is there playing turkey shoot or something. He screams that Ben killed mom. He claims that he heard that his mom say she wanted to leave.  Rellian wants to live with grandma and grandpa now.  "I hate you. I fucking hate you." *Storms off*

Jack shoots an arrow at Ben. He's pissed that Ben lied about the kids being in school. That they use real weapons, and are covered in scratches and bruises (plus Rellian broke his hand rock climbing earlier in the movie). He calls it child abuse. "Even if they make it through whatever it is you're doing, they're going to be totally unprepared for the real world."  Point: Langella.  He says he and Abigail are filing for custody of the children.

Ben actually really takes this all in for the first time.  He agrees to leave the children with their grandparents. Driving the bus home, we get a nice long close-up shot of Ben's face as he finally breaks down.  It's beautiful and sad and I love you, Viggo.  Bring it in here, buddy, it'll be OK.  

The children have stowed away on the bus. Rellian is sorry he was so angry.  He doesn't hate Ben. They GRAVE-ROB BUT I GUESS THAT’S FINE AND NOT A CRIME OF ANY KIND.  Did we all forget what Bodevan said, like 5 minutes ago?

The children open the casket and grieve in the bus as they get one last look and touch of their mother and I want to call my mom even though she's the one who asked me to review this movie in the first place.  Hi, Mom.  

I should note that my mom said I should REVIEW the movie, not that she liked it.
Or that I would. But I bet both our eyes watered here.

They give Mom a Viking funeral. Ben says he’s sorry.  He thought he was helping her, and he’s sorry if he didn’t. They sing a lovely acoustic cover of Sweet Child of Mine, Leslie's favorite song, and FINE I'm not made of bricks and stone, y'all.  Then they go to a public restroom somewhere and flush her ashes down the toilet.

Now we are at the airport.  Bodevan is flying to someplace.  I missed the name.  Anyway, he just pointed to a place on a map.  No college, I guess, so. OK.  

Their good-byes are very sweet.  Ben rests his forehead on Bodevan's for a minute, pulls away and says, "When you have sex with a woman, be gentle, and listen to her.  Always treat her with respect and dignity, even if you don’t love her." Fine FINE, I'm softening a little.  

Cut to Ben and the rest of the kids in an actual house.  Ben is making their bag lunches to take to actual school.  I guess Jack and Abigail were cool with him stealing their daughter's body, burning it up and flushing it down a toilet. And he makes money now, apparently.

The End.

OK, yeah this obviously wasn't my kind of movie, so what can I say?  It's not that it was bad, but I don't care.  Like I said in the podcast, I am much more willing to suspend belief for a fantasy or superhero movie than I am for a movie that is rooted in reality.  I like a happy ending, but I don't understand how that could have possibly happened, and Bodevan even SAYS THAT THEY'LL LOSE BEN, TOO, if they grave rob, and then Ben does it anyway, and Bodevan is suddenly on board.

So, I dunno.  If this is your kind of film, then you should see it. If it isn’t, it still has a great cast (even if Steve Zahn was criminally underused), so maybe see it, anyway.  No, Wes Anderson didn’t have anything to do with it.  I checked a few times.     

Grade: C

Captain Fantastic (2016) (Available on Showtime)

Viggo Mortensen…………….Ben (LOTR, Eastern Promises, Hidalgo, A History of Violence)

George MacKay…….……Bodevan (Defiance, 11.22.63, lots of British stuff I don’t know)

Samantha Isler.………………Kielyr (Sean Saves the World, Molly’s Game)

Annalise Basso……………….Vespyr (Oculus, Ouija: Origin of Evil, Slenderman)

Nicholas Hamilton…………….Rellian (IT, The Dark Tower)

Shree Crooks………………….Zaja (Ray Donovan, American Horror Story: Hotel)

Charlie Shotwell………………..Nai (All the Money in the World)

Trin Miller………………………Leslie (A lot of shorts and TV shows, but none that I recognize)

Kathryn Hahn…………………Harper (Parks & Rec, The Visit, Bad Moms)

Steve Zahn…………………..Dave (Perfect Getaway, Rescue Dawn, That Thing You Do, Reality Bites, lots of TV)

Erin Moriarty………………….Claire (The Watch, Jessica Jones SE1)

Missi Pyle…………………….Ellen (Galaxy Quest, Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, TONS of TV, 169 credits)

Frank Langella……………..Jack (The Box, Masters of the Universe)

Ann Dowd……………………Abigail (The Leftovers, The Handmaid’s Tale) She’s a Hey, It’s That Guy!