It's so shiny!

Here she is, guys:

Our new baby. We went with a 2013 Toyota Corolla. We did some research and this one should last long after we give it to our daughter (who admittedly only exists in our brains and *insert inappropriate and gross metaphor that will likely mortify our imaginary daughter here* right now). We're pretty sure she will be disappointed that the car doesn't fly or communicate with her like Knight Rider like the new cars will in the year she turns 16. Plus, she'll be all, "What's a Knight Rider?" Honestly, she's a bit of an elitist. Where did we go wrong?

Anyway, right now it's beautiful and we love it. We went from a gaping hole of no radio to all the radio!

We sort of CAN talk to it like Knight Rider! If Knight Rider could only call your mom and play music. Would have been a different show, really.

We were also able to get new phones with the rest if the insurance check. We downloaded an app that lets us see where the other one is, in relation to crimes reported and sex offenders' locations. It was here that Larry found this:

This is our stolen car. I can't get the "Circle of Life" out of my head.  This reminds me, can someone tell me how to take a screenshot on an android?

In other news, there is a large cluster of sex offenders living on our block. I think when our snooty daughter is actually born, we may have to move.

This morning was like any other.  Larry and I left the house at about 6:15 to go to work.  It was lighter out than usual.  Light enough that it was easy to see when we got to the spot where the car had been parked, it wasn’t there. 

Larry: Um. I think my car was stolen. 

Me.  Huh….

We are the proud owners of a scraped up dented white 1999 Plymouth Breeze with no air conditioning, no radio and a pathetic lack of hubcaps.  Also, I rear ended someone last year, so the hood can only be opened by a professional.  Needless to say, when we wiped the tears of laughter from our eyes, we hopped in a cab and called the insurance company.  They were so understanding and sweet and helpful that I felt guilty about all my giggling. 

It did occur to us when we got out of the cab at Larry’s place of employment that this wasn’t really funny, and a police report should be filed.  I volunteered for the job. 

As I entered the station, I realized that, although I have seen what Hollywood tells me is the inside of the police station 100s of times in the movies; in real life, I hadn’t been inside one since I was a child.  I vaguely remember being fingerprinted during a class trip.  I am assuming this was either to show pre-schoolers a good time, or to have my fingerprints on file in case I was kidnapped.  It was the 80s and kidnapping was the new cool thing to fear. 

Anyway, I began to file a report for the car. 

Detective in the Background [He was in street clothes and television has taught me that this is a detective]:  Hey, there’s only one of these red velvet donuts left.  I’m taking it. 

Officer Assisting Me: ….Well now you know that there is some validity to the stereotype…

Me: Ha!  Man, I just realized I’m starving.

Officer: Kevin, are there any more back there?  Bring them up.

So the cops gave me a donut.  I chose a cream filled long john because it reminds me of early morning fishing trips with Dad.  And now it also reminds me of the police station.  I once did shots on St. Patrick’s Day with off duty cops who were still in their uniforms.  This was better.     

By this time, a few cops were meandering around the counter.

Officer: Did you have any valuables in the car?

Me [After consulting with the devil and angel on my shoulders]: Nope.  Nothing that I can think of.

Officer: A newer radio?  Anything like that?

Me: There’s actually a gaping hole where the radio used to be.  It was stolen years ago and never replaced.

There was total silence.  And then, simultaneously, 3 uniforms, one Detective as TV Has Taught Me, and I start laughing.  Hard.  Like, pounding our fists laughing.  I think a full minute passed before it stopped. 

Before we were finished, the officer got a call reporting a missing person.  She placed them on hold to finish up with me.

The officer was honest with me that it wasn’t terribly likely they’d find the car.  I bit back all the Big Lebowski jokes and wanted to make, took the report and left. 

I can’t believe how lucky I am.  I was the woman in the cop shop eating a long john and laughing about the idiot who stole our poor old beaten up car.  I wasn’t the one on the phone.  The officer told me they probably wouldn’t find my car.  They didn’t have to tell me they couldn’t find my husband.  My sister.  My parents.  My friend. 

Perspective.  I’ve got it. 

*Doogie Hauser Theme*

Les Mis (Abridged)

A conversation in bed with a groggy husband after coming home with eyeballs all bloodshot and puffy from seeing Les Miserables with the girls.

Larry: Less Miserabless...So it’s all singing?

Me: Yeah, it’s an opera. 

Larry: No talking at all?

Me: Nope.

Larry: Anne Hathaway was the lead?

Me: No, she dies like, half an hour in.

Larry: Wow, her part is small.

Me: But SO important. 

Larry: Yeah?

Me:  So she gets fired from this factory.  Wait, I have to go back further.  Ok, Wolverine is in prison for stealing bread and Gladiator releases him but is like, “You are on parole forever, so best of luck. Jerk.”  So Wolverine finds Jesus and decides to change his identity and do good for others.  Then Catwoman is working in his factory which always sounds bad but in this case it’s good because Paris is a total hole right now and it’s either: factory or be a whore.  She calls out for Wolverine to help her but last minute Gladiator shows up and Wolverine has to bolt.   So she becomes a whore.  He finds her later and she’s all, “Thanks, I’m a whore now.  And also I have tuberculosis.  And also I have a kid, so.  Yeah. Thanks.”  So Wolverine promises to take care of little Amanda Seyfried after Catwoman dies. 

Larry [singing]: I’m dyyyyyyying now.  Cough!  MeeOwwwww!

Me: Right, just like that.  So before Wolverine gets Little AS, Gladiator tells him they found the prisoner that Gladiator thought Wolverine was, and Wolverine gets all sweaty and guilty and is like, “Do I come clean and save this poor guy they think is me or bolt?  Sigh, I found Jesus and I’m awesome, so I’m gonna come clean and save this dude.”  So he does, then runs and grabs Little AS and they run off.  Nine years later Paris is still a mess and this political figure who spoke for the people dies.  So all these college boys are like, “LAST STRAW, KING ASSHOLE THE 15^TH or whatever!  VIVA LA FRANCE!  NO MORE EVERYBODY HAVING TO BE WHORES!”  But one of the Red-Headed ones is also in love with Little AS, who is now Grownup AS.  And he’s pretty torn up about dying for his country now.  But his hotter friend goes, “Man, get your head back in the game!” So Redhead joins up anyway and they build this barricade out of chairs and a coffin and there’s lots of singing by everybody here, including this one girl who is in love with Redhead, but he doesn’t love her back.  And the standoff has started. 

Larry: Get off our chair and coffin mooouuntaaain, you jeeeeeeerrrrrks!

Me: Exactly.  So Wolverine finds out that Redhead loves Grownup AS and is like, “Crap, I never let her do anything because I’m a fugitive of the law.  I have to make sure this guy doesn’t die.”  He goes to the barricade and lo and behold, they have Gladiator tied up there because he was double-agenting them and got busted.  Wolverine tells the boys he’ll take care of the nasty man.  But when no one’s looking, he cuts Gladiator loose.  Gladiator’s all, “I am SO still going to hunt you down, you know!”  And Wolverine’s all, “Who cares, I’m awesome, just beat it.” 

So they fight the royal guard and they all get killed including this little kid, like, cheap shot, show.  Except Redhead because  Wolverine drags him the hell out of there through the sewers and sure enough Gladiator busts them and Wolverine’s like, “Dude, stop it.  This guy needs a doctor.”  But Gladiator goes, “NEVER.  One more move and you’re effing dead.”  But Wolverine’s like, whatever, and leaves and Gladiator does nothing.  He’s so wigged out about how Wolverine is so much more awesome than he is that he SPLATS himself right into the dam. 

Larry:  AAAAaAAAHHHH!!! OOF!

Me:  Those are actually kind of his lines.  So Redhead is ok and he marries Grownup AS, but Wolverine is dying that day and they all cry, but Grownup AS finds out the truth about Catwoman and then Ghost Catwoman comes and takes Wolverine to heaven.  The End.  I left some parts out, but that’s the gist.