Spoiler Alert: Swiss Army Man

Today on My Bleeding Ears, I reviewed Swiss Army Man.  Now I’m going to spoil it.  Let’s go.

The movie opens on Hank (Paul Dano) on a deserted island, about to hang himself. Before he succeeds, a body (Daniel Radcliffe) washes up on the ocean shore.  Hank hesitates, then decides he’s going to investigate, but accidentally hangs himself, anyway.  Luckily the rope breaks just like Tom Hanks (oh, weird, look at that) said it would. Or I guess technically Wilson said it would. He tries to revive the body, but it’s definitely dead.  The only movement seems to be never-ending flatulence. The body begins to drift back out to sea, and its flatulence starts propelling it forward.  After some thought, Hank hops on the body and rides it like a jet ski propelled by farts.  He ends up on another shore, but it is still uninhabited.  He seeks shelter in a cave.  

In the cave, Hank begins to realize the body has another use.  He spits an endless supply of clean water out of his mouth and yes I gagged at that EW.  The body starts to speak to Hank, calling himself Manny (or Hank imagines all that, it really doesn’t matter, you’ll see). Manny has no memory of his former life, nor does he seem to have a sense of social cues or contracts.  Hank is excited to have a companion and begins to teach him the basics of social life, including that you can’t fart so much.  Manny spots a magazine with a woman on the cover and gets an erection. The erection acts as a compass, so Hank uses this to guide them through the woods.  Ugh, OK.

In the woods, Hank teaches Manny the joys of socialization, including eating out, partying, going to see a movie, etc.  He constructs props and sets using garbage left behind by people who don’t want it anymore, as well as the woods themselves.  Hank teaches him the Jurassic Park theme, which Manny seems to remember, and that’s kind of cute.  

There are a few montages, and admittedly, I don’t remember exactly where they fit, but it serves the purpose of displaying for the audience that Manny’s body does all kinds of things to help move them forward, make shelter, get food, etc. and during these montages, you get to hear voiceovers of Manny and Hank singing to the Jurassic Park soundtrack, or just generally making up songs about what they are doing, or the montage itself, but the music is actually scored, and you might be able to tell by now that I wasn’t nuts about this movie, but these montages definitely charmed me in spite of myself. 

Manny sees Hank’s phone and believes it to be his. The screen on the phone is a photo of a woman.  Manny believes he must be in love with this woman.  Hank does nothing to deter him and tells him the woman’s name is Sarah, and she rides the bus every day alone.

No, this isn't an outtake photo.  They are this cute.

Eventually, they actually construct a makeshift bus, and re-enact Hank watching her on the bus every day. He even shakes the bus back and forth so it feels and looks like a moving bus and OK FINE that was adorable and I really like these actors a lot, so I did have a little bit of fun here, too.  At some point, Hank dons a wig of sorts and pretends to be Sarah, and “Sarah” and Manny share a kiss. 

Somewhere in here, Hank talks about his father, and how they don’t really speak anymore.  He says that he and his father got to a point where they were only speaking on the phone on Hank’s birthday, and that taught his father how to send an automatic annual e-card for birthdays, so that he doesn’t even have to call Hank anymore. 

I'm worried about Millennials, you guys.  No man is an island HAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHA GEDDIT? But seriously

It’s the loneliest thing I’ve heard all week. 

Hank soon admits that Manny doesn’t know Sarah, that Sarah is just a woman Hank saw on the bus every day, and sneaked a picture of her like a creeper. Hank also follows her on social media, so he knows she’s married with a child. Manny is upset by this and decides to be fully dead again.  Hank starts to get these weird flashes that might indicate that Manny is affecting his mind. DO YOU GET IT YET? DO YOU?  Ugh, sorry. 

Hank comes back to reality (and I am really playing fast and loose with that word) and is being attacked by a bear.  Manny springs to life, more life-like than ever before, and farts at the fire, creating a giant flame that scares the bear away.  Hank passes out, and when he comes to, Manny has brought them to Sarah’s house.  They meet Sarah’s daughter, who at first finds Manny’s farts hilarious, but his erections frightening, and I guess I just wish they’d decided to make it a son and not a daughter because UGH. This girl's already going to have enough unsolicited dicks in her life. Sarah (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) comes out of her house and is horrified because: total stranger with a dead body.  Manny is upset that people think he’s disgusting and decides to be fully dead again.  Sarah calls the police, and they show up with an ambulance, the coroner, news reporters, and Hank’s father.  Hank’s father first thinks the dead body under the sheet (Manny) is Hank and doesn’t want to look.  Hank tries to convince everyone that Manny is alive, much to everyone’s horror and disgust.

As Hank is taken away in by the police, he lets out one long loud fart. At this, Manny shocks everyone by letting out an endless barrage of farts, which eventually propels him back out to sea, as Hank smiles in triumph after him.  The End.     

OK, my thoughts.  I believe the characters of Hank and Manny are supposed to represent the Superego and the Id (The Superego often overthinks and shames the Id, while the Id represents primal needs like hunger and sexual gratification).  None of the settings of the film should be taken as a reality. There is no island. The island is representative of the solitude Hank is feeling. The ocean is his subconscious, where his Id washes up.  When he “discovers” his Id, it’s dead, but it slowly comes back to life.  He has a general dissociation with society and even after he seems to tap into his Id and gain confidence, that all goes away when he meets the girl on the bus in real life.  Manny dies. Then comes back to life.  I dunno.  So, I think I get what the movie is trying to be, learning to love yourself and all the pieces that make you up, but I still wasn’t really entertained.  And I know the secret picture he took of Sarah on the bus is supposed to be sweet and sad, but I can’t get past the creep factor.  The epitome of objectifying a person is to be in love with them by looks alone, never really getting to know them flaws and all.  So it’s like the Manic Pixie Dreamgirl is LITERALLY just an idea in this movie and not even a character in it so I'm gonna add one last UGH here.  

I didn’t much care for this movie.  I think that’s clear.  I struggled with why I didn’t really like it, because I do like all of the ideas it incorporates.  I guess it’s just not a movie that I needed?  So it didn’t feel to me like a story that needed to be told.  I’m sure there are plenty of folks out there who needed to see this story, so that’s great. 

Having said all that, I did very much enjoy Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe.  I think Paul Dano should be more recognized as an actor than he probably is, and I hope Daniel Radcliffe is rising above the character that shot him into superstardom because he certainly deserves that recognition as well.  See this movie for those two, and go ahead and see it for yourself, too.  It’s not bad, I just didn’t really care. (But most critics thought it was pretty good, so what the hell do I know, anyway?)

Letter Grade: C+

I included the notes I took during the movie below, because it’s my blog and I do what I want. 

6 minutes in and I'm already tired of fart jokes

27 minutes in - It feels like a lesson in what it is to be alive and so far Blade runner did it better

35 minutes in - this seems like it was possibly a play that was also kind of unnecessary. Look that up. (It wasn’t.)

41 minutes in - is Manny supposed to be a part of Hank's consciousness?

43 minutes in - in the whole thing supposed to be a metaphor for a break-up or losing someone?

Either, way I'm not having fun.

46 minutes and they are on "the bus." Ok, I'm having a tiny bit of fun.

50 minutes in - ugh I dunno it's like, this time the manic pixie dream girl is just an idea and not even a fucking character in this hipster rom-com

52 minutes in - catchy music tho (Jurassic Park theme, Hank makes up words to songs and it's set to a real score)

56 minutes in - ok I guess what would you miss about being alive?

70 minutes in - the bear scene did make me laugh but also probably the only way to make the dialog less cliché was by putting a bear in the scene

71 minutes in - Manny: What is life? Me: I JUST SAID THAT

Ever noticed film on screen has gotten so good at filming at night that it's hard to see on a TV and that's the new Formatted to Fit your Screen

80 minutes in - What. The fuck. Is this. Oh hi, Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

84 minutes in - I.... is it this a new movie?

87 minutes in - wait is this movie about mental illness? What is this?

89 minutes in - omg I totally had serial killer or necrophilia thoughts at the very beginning when they were in that cave why didn't I write them down, dammit!!

The End - I dunno. I guess if I had to say something nice, I’d say it’s an original way to tell a story we’ve heard over and over and the acting from both leads was very good.  Right now, it didn't feel like an effective use of my time.    

Swiss Army Man (2016)

Directors: Dan Kwan (as Daniel Kwan), Daniel Scheinert

Writers: Daniel Scheinert, Dan Kwan (as Daniel Kwan)

Cast:

Paul Dano…………………………….Hank

Daniel Radcliffe……………………...Manny

Mary Elizabeth Winstead………..…Sarah

Antonia Ribero…………………..…..Crissie (Sarah’s Daughter)

Timothy Eulich………………….……Preston

Richard Gross………………………..Hank's Dad

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To the Lobster Go the Spoils

Welp, I had to know what The Lobster (2015) was like after seeing the Killing of a Sacred Deer.  In episode 37 of our podcast, My Bleeding Ears, I reviewed The Lobster.  It managed to depress me even more.  What seemed to be advertised as a quirky love story, is easily as bleak as Sacred Deer.  More so to me on a personal level, because while I don’t have experience with my children suffering from an unknown illness due to a revenge plot executed by a psychopath whose father died on my operating table, I do have experience in romantic relationships, both short and long-term.  

The movie opens on two donkeys in a field. A woman drives up, approaches one of the donkeys, shoots it several times until it dies, and runs away.  A narration of the story of “The Lobster” begins, voiced by Rachel Weisz.  She will narrate the entire film. 

We cut to David (Colin Farrell) focusing on his wife, who has told him she’s in love with someone else.  In this dystopian universe, this means that David will now need to check into “The Hotel,” where he has 45 days to find a mate or he’ll be turned into an animal.  The mate he picks must have similar attributes and must be approved by The Hotel management.

At The Hotel, David is being interviewed.  (Also he’s brought his brother, who has been turned into a dog. This will be important later.) He has to choose whether he prefers women or men.  He first says women, but then casually notes that he experimented with a man in college and asks if he really needs to choose.  He does.  After some thought, he decides that he will select a heterosexual lifestyle, rather than homosexual.  He is then asked what kind of animal he would like to become should he not find a mate in 45 days.  He immediately chooses a lobster, because “lobsters live for over one hundred years, are blue-blooded like aristocrats, and stay fertile all their lives. I also like the sea very much.” (In the podcast I said it was because they mate for life.  My mistake.  I was clearly thinking of something else)  David is fitted with a belt that has a lock on it and shown to his room.

We find out that the residents of The Hotel go out at night to capture the single people in The Woods, who are then turned into animals.  For every single person you capture, you are awarded one more day at The Hotel. 

In the mess hall (or whatever it is), David meets a man with a lisp (John C. Reilly) and a man with a limp (Ben Whishaw), as well as a “heartless woman,” a woman with chronic nosebleeds and her best friend, and a woman who loves biscuits. 

Let’s cruise through some important things that happen in the film and get on with it:

The Man with the Limp tells a story of how his mother was turned into a wolf, and when he went to visit her at the zoo, he jumped the fence of the enclosure and was attacked by wolves, leaving him with a limp.  He says there were two wolves that did not attack, and he’s sure one of them must have been his mother.  The Man with the Lisp is caught masturbating, which is forbidden, so he has his hand burned in a toaster as punishment.  The Man with the Limp is interested in the Woman with Nosebleeds (I’m sorry guys, but David is really the only one with a name), so he begins to smash his face on tables and walls to convince her that he also gets nosebleeds, and that makes them a match.  Hotel staff agrees, and they pair off.  The Woman with Nosebleeds says goodbye to her best friend, saying she’ll miss her, among other things.  Her best friend abruptly slaps her in the face and demands to be turned into an animal right away. 

This isn't from the movie but I couldn't find an
image, so this is the same actress injured in a
different thing.

David is propositioned by the Biscuit Woman.  She says she plans to kill herself before her time at The Hotel is up by jumping out of a fourth-floor window.  And if you, like me, immediately said to yourself, “Um that probably won’t kill you,” then you should know that we were both right. She eventually jumps and is severely injured.  David pretends not to care, in order to win the favor of the Heartless Woman.  After a few displays of sociopathic indifference from David, the Heartless Woman agrees they are a match, and they are moved into the couples’ suite.  One day, David awakens to the Heartless Woman stating that she kicked his brother (the dog) to death.  When he finds his brother dead, he begins to weep and she reveals it was a test that he has failed.  She is going to turn him into The Hotel management to be turned into an animal. The tables turn on her with the help of The Maid, who turns out to be a mole for the single people in The Woods, and David turns the Heartless Woman into an unknown animal. 

It’s very sweet and I hoped this would
end on a happy note because I am foolish.

David escapes into The Woods and meets a band of single people, including the Shortsighted Woman (Rachel Weisz).  He is also shortsighted, and they fall in love, which is forbidden by the Leader in The Woods.  They develop a code of hand signals to say things like, “I love you more than anything,” “I want to dance in your arms,” “watch out, we’re in danger,” “Let’s fuck,” etc.  

The Leader discovers their relationship and takes the Shortsighted Woman to the city under the pretense that she will have surgery to fix her shortsightedness.  Instead, the operation is meant to blind her, and it does.  She returns to David and admits that she is blind.  They work very hard to find other things in common, but nothing really clicks and OMG YOU GUYS, LOVE IS FUTILE AND I’M SO SAD AND IT’S NOT EVEN OVER.

The Shortsighted Woman is sitting by a window, and I almost expected 

to see David running away through said window, but I didn’t.  Did I miss 

it or are we really left to wonder?  I hope we’re left to wonder.

David and the Shortsighted Woman plan to escape together.  They go to a diner, and David goes to the bathroom to blind himself so that they can be together. In the bathroom, it looks as if he’s about to do it. The movie ends with the camera on the Shortsighted Woman sitting at the table, nervously waiting for David to return.  The screen goes black.  The End. 

This movie is an analysis of romantic relationships.  What would you change about yourself to stay with someone? Are we meant to find a soulmate?  Is sex important to you or just intimacy? Does sexual orientation have to be defined? Would you keep up a lie just to be with someone? What would you sacrifice for someone you believe you love more than anything?  What can you forgive?

The mandate of choosing to be heterosexual or homosexual is interesting.  I think the Millennial generation is teaching us that requiring this choice is absurd, and shouldn’t need to be made. I don’t mean to say that sexual orientation is a choice.  That is also absurd.  I mean, what does gender matter when it comes to finding companionship?  Spoilers: it doesn’t.  I think that was the point this film was trying to make, along with the point that having similar attributes is not necessarily a good formula for a partnership.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is easily my favorite rom-com.
If that's what you'd call it.  

I compared Yorgos Lanthimos to Michel Gondry in the last podcast (episode 36), and I only meant the execution of a vision, not the style.  Gondry seems to believe that there are always aspects and moments of a relationship that make the experience worth it, whether it works out in the end or not.  Lanthimos has a much darker take on romantic love.  (Or I suppose one could argue that he believes that no two people are destined to be together, relationships take work, and losing commonalities as time goes on is inevitable. Gondry probably feels that way, too.)

You never find out if David comes back to the table in the diner, but considering the Shortsighted Woman is narrating the story, and it’s CALLED THE LOBSTER, the animal David chose to become at the beginning, I’m inclined to believe it did not end happily ever after.  

In conclusion, I’m pretty glum, y’all. However, I do have this new weird obsession with Colin Farrell.  The movie isn’t funny, but some of the things he does are funny. Sad/funny. Where you giggle and then groan in pain. He nails it. It would take too long to describe the scenarios, but he’s brilliant.  I will officially be arrested if I see him on the street.  Or maybe he’ll be into it, who can say?

Like the Killing of a Sacred Deer, I do want to see The Lobster again, because I’m sure there are lots of little nuggets that I missed.  Lanthimos deftly jam-packs his movies with symbolism and metaphor.  I mean, look how long this blog is, and I did the best I could to keep it short while still including moments I really thought needed to be included to drive the narrative. (I still didn't get to them all.)  It’s just that I don’t think I can put my soul through a re-watch of either film.  

Watch this movie, because it’s very good, but then go do something fun, or buy your lover a gift you know they’ll like, or tell them you love them, or try to find more things in common, or all of the above.  And if you’re single, watch this movie, because it’s very good, and then go do something fun and---that’s really it. You’re not in a relationship, so that should be easy.  (Larry, my darling husband, I love you more than anything, so don’t worry about the stuff I just said about single people. And Colin Farrell.) 

Grade: A

The Lobster

Written and Directed by Yorgos Lanthimos

Cast:

Colin Farrell……………………………….David

Rachel Weisz……………………………..Shortsighted Woman

Ben Whishaw……………………………..Limping Man

John C. Reilly……………………………...Lisping Man

Léa Seydoux……………………………….The Leader in The Woods

Jessica Barden……………………………Nosebleed Woman

EmmaEdel O'Shea……………………..Nosebleed Woman's Best Friend (as Emma O'Shea)

Angeliki Papoulia……………………….Heartless Woman

Ashley Jensen…………………………….Biscuit Woman

Olivia Colman…………………………….Hotel Manager

Ariane Labed……………………………..The Maid

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Today’s Spoils: The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)

This week on My Bleeding Ears: Jessalynn’s Corner (musical interlude TBD), we discussed the film The Killing of a Sacred Deer, written and directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, who is also known for the critically acclaimed, The Lobster.

The movie opens with Dr. Stephen Murphy (Colin Farrell) leaving the hospital and meeting a boy named Martin (Barry Keoghan) in a diner.  It’s unclear how they know each other.  Martin later joins Stephen’s family for dinner, and meets his wife Anna (Nicole Kidman), his daughter Kim (Rafferty Cassidy) and his son Bob (Sunny Suljic). 

Farrell and Kidman have a spooky hott chemistry. I don’t think The Beguiled 

is as good, but it’s definitely worth a watch to see these two together again.

At first, Stephen claims the boy is a friend of his daughter’s and is interested in medicine and also looking for a male role model since his father was killed in a car crash. We find out that the story about his father’s death is not entirely true. Martin sought Stephen out because his father died on Stephen’s operating table. Martin believes his father died because of Stephen’s reckless alcoholism (something Stephen will dispute by insisting that there was nothing he could do, and when a patient dies on the operating table, it’s always the fault of the anesthesiologist). And if you think I've already spoiled a lot, believe me, I haven’t.  Wanna watch it?  Stop here.

When Stephen begins to pull away from Martin after an awkward dinner with Martin’s mother (Alicia Silverstone), in which she attempts to seduce him, Martin makes known his true intentions.  He wants to even the score for his father’s death.  Stephen must choose one of his family members to be sacrificed, or they will all die.  In a chillingly even voice (yet rushed and still somehow juvenile, because he’s promised Stephen that he’ll “say it fast”), Martin tells Stephen that first, his family will lose the ability to walk, and then stop eating.  Once their eyes begin to bleed, Stephen will have only a few hours left to choose, or they all die. 

HI! SUP GURL?! ILY, even though it’s kinda weird
you fed your kid like bird moms do.
Just: ICK.  That’s all.

Sure enough, Bob wakes up one morning and can’t feel his legs.  Their daughter Kim is next.  Soon after, they refuse to eat and must be fed through a tube.  In the hospital, they are subjected to extensive testing, but the doctors can find nothing wrong.  They believe the issue is psychosomatic. 

Lots of other stuff happens, but I’m droning, so real quick: Stephen is in deep denial that Martin is actually doing this, Martin calls the hospital, speaks to Kim, who can suddenly walk again while she’s on the phone, but relapses when the connection is lost.  Anna goes to Martin’s house to plead for her life and the lives of her children, asking why they should be punished for Stephen’s mistakes, and Martin says that it’s the only thing he can think of that comes close to justice (there’s a really tense spaghetti-eating scene. I bet you didn’t think one of those existed. Well, it does. Ok fine, it’s not the only one ).  Anna asks the anesthesiologist if Stephen had been drinking that day, and he agrees to tell her if she gives him the saddest handy ever.  He says that Stephen had been drinking that day, and adds that when a patient dies on the operating table, it’s always the surgeon’s fault. 

With no other medical options, the children are brought home. They begin to argue over who Stephen will choose to sacrifice. Stephen kidnaps Martin and demands that he stop this, repeatedly beating him.  Martin doesn’t budge. 

 You guys, WHO IS THIS KID?  He’s in Dunkirk and
I haven’t seen that yet. Is he terrifying in that, too?
I had nightmares.  NO, I AM NOT JOKING.

Kim is in love with Martin and I can’t with this one.  It’s based on a Greek Tragedy, so I was expecting some really unhealthy life decisions, but Jesus. 

Eventually, Anna lets Martin go, realizing that his captivity won’t help the situation.  Bob’s eyes begin to bleed, so Stephen ties them all up, gets a shotgun, covers their heads and his own with a sack, places them in a circle, in which he is standing in the center, spins around with the shotgun and fires.  Two shots miss, the third one hits.  I won’t spoil who he kills I’M JUST KIDDING HE SHOOTS HIS FREAKING ADOLESCENT SON IN THE CHEST AND KILLS HIM.

The movie ends with the remaining family in the diner, where they run into Martin.  They leave, but it’s clear that Kim is still very taken with him.  CREEP.  CITY. 

So, I did really like this movie.  It is without a doubt a horror film. As I said in the podcast, this director has his own unique style.  He films in gray colors, and he inserts loud and unsettling music at very quiet points of the movie, which is effective in keeping you on edge throughout. I was very stressed out by the end. It's never revealed how Martin is making the family sick, and I like that it's ambiguous, even perhaps supernatural. It wouldn't add anything to the film to understand the "how" of their illness and it's scarier to believe there's no cure than to hope for possible solutions.

I will say that I am a little tired of the dead-eyed line delivery you get in movies about rich white people.  Maybe the point is that even earth-shatteringly horrible things can’t get to you when you’re really rich?  I dunno.  When Martin does it, it’s more effective, because this dude is clearly a psychopath, but the rest of the cast performances tend to bug me at times. There’s even a moment when Anna casually suggests to Stephen that one of the children should die, because they can always have more children and, IT’S NOT A GOLDFISH, ANNA. THESE PEOPLE CAME OUT OF YOUR BODY.  (Plus, I didn't even get into the fact that apparently Anna has to lie there like a dead person before she and Stephen have sex, but that was also a thing.) The only one who’s really allowed to emote is Colin Farrell, and I think we all know that he’s good at it, so there's that. 

Anyway, I'd like to say I would watch it again because I do think it’s the type of movie that has hidden little nuggets throughout that you could find in a second watch, but I’m not sure I can put my heart and brain through it all again. I’m very sad now. Will The Lobster make that better or worse?  I’m going to find out either way. 

Letter Grade: A

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The Killing of a Sacred Deer

Director: Yorgos Lanthimos 

Writer: Yorgos Lanthimos, Efthymis Filippou 

Cast:

Colin Farrell……………………………….Stephen Murphy

Barry Keoghan…………….………………Martin 

Nicole Kidman…………………………….Anna Murphy

Sunny Suljic…………………………………Bob Murphy

Raffey Cassidy…………………………..…Kim Murphy 

Alicia Silverstone…………….…………..Martin's Mother

Barry G. Bernson………………….……..Dr. Larry Banks

No Animals were Harmed in the Writing of this Blog

That's your cat now.

I wanted to talk about violence against animals in film.  If you’re a fan of horror films, there’s just no way to avoid violence against animals in the movies you watch.  This is part of a theme in horror movies where the filmmakers are subjecting you to something you don’t want to see.  It’s a warning shot that if the filmmakers would make you watch this, what else will you be dared to sit through in this scary film? 

The American Humane Association (AHA) is an organization, founded in 1877, is committed to ensuring the safety, welfare, and well-being of animals. The AHA’s leadership programs are first to serve in promoting and nurturing the bonds between animals and humans. It was previously called the International Humane Association, before changing its name in 1878. In 1940, it became the sole monitoring body for the humane treatment of animals on the sets of Hollywood films and other broadcast productions. American Humane is best known for its trademarked certification "No Animals Were Harmed,” which appears at the end of film or television credits.

I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that in my research, I, unfortunately, came across articles like this one, which were obviously very troubling.  Now you know about it, too.  I should also mention that it's obvious to me that violence in movies is disproportionately exacted on cats, because of the myth that cats are aloof and don't care about you, makes it easy for many to find humor in said violence.  This makes me very angry, but, like the failings of the AHA,  it's a topic worthy of a whole separate blog, so I'll digress.  

I am an animal lover, and I have been all my life.  There have only been brief periods of my life when I didn’t own something adorable and furry, and in those periods, I usually still had something that receives oxygen in water.  Not as cuddly, but still a living thing I took care of.  At one point, we were the proud parents of three cats, one rabbit and two hermit crabs.  That was a lot of maintenance and I will not do that again, but I wanted to illustrate my love and need to care for a pet.  My favorite veterinarian once said to me (when I brought in my fourth animal for a check-up) that I can’t save them all.  (This statement seems to piss off my husband, which makes me love him more if that’s possible.)

Personally, and I’m sure I’m not alone here, I can’t stand to watch animal violence on screen.  There are several movies that I’ve turned on because of “that one scene.”  (I’m looking right at you, Drag Me to Hell. That wasn’t the only problem I had, but you lost a full letter grade after that kitten incident.)  Even watching the latest Planet of the Apes movies upset me, and I know full well that there are no real apes at all. 

Animal violence in horror films is supposed to be hard to watch.  Many times it serves as a plot device to make the viewer dislike the characters they are supposed to dislike. Since we discussed it in the latest podcast, I’ll use IT as the example.  Henry Bowers almost shoots a cat (and I almost gave it a B- for that stunt). These scenes make it easier, and almost enjoyable for the viewer to watch that awful character’s ultimate gory demise (no, Henry Bowers isn’t dead in the rebooted movie…..not yet).

I couldn't bring myself to add a real still from the movie.  They break my heart.

It’s interesting the way animal violence can affect people more than violence against humans.  For me, it’s probably because animals are always innocent.  Cujo is scary, but it wasn’t Cujo’s fault that he was able to wander alone into a hole filled with rabid bats.  Watch your dog better, Cujo’s Owner.  Now we have to kill him because you let him wander around (ugh, don’t even get me started on dogs off the leash.  You’ll really wish you hadn’t).  It’s also more effective because animals can’t consent to be in your movie.  It’s not like they reviewed their contract and struck things they weren’t comfortable with. They are essentially at the mercy of their handlers and agents. 

You might be wondering why this is on my mind (even if you weren’t, idc, it’s my blog, so here we go). 

A few weeks ago, I had Scout put to sleep.  All five of the people who read this blog probably knew her.  I’ve written about an animal I’ve lost in this blog before, but I really didn’t think I could bear writing about her.  I didn’t want to share this pain with anyone else; it’s mine.  Because she was mine and no one else’s.  I got her in 2003 when I was still new to the city, and when I’d moved into my first real apartment (I’d been living in a hotel room with a friend previously).  I was alone in this apartment a lot, and Scout and I saw lots of movies together.  Because she was mine and I was hers and no one else’s.  And I was never scared, because she was there and she was never scared of anything ever. 

Here are some movies we watched together when it was just us alone in a great big city:

Freddy vs. Jason (We agreed that we needed more Katherine Isabel in our lives)

Ginger Snaps (Because we needed more Katherine Isabel in our lives.  Then we were like, “WHY HAVE WE NEVER SEEN THIS??” and then Scout remembered she had just been born this year, so what’s my problem?)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) (Scout always wondered if Jessica Biel would be able to make the transition from twee WB show to A-list actress. I guess she sort of did.) 

Final Destinations 1 &2 (I told her about how I’d been warm for Devon Sawa since Casper.  She wasn’t really into him, but to be fair she really liked Idle Hands and Seth Green is the one who shines in that film)

Bride of Chucky (She never said it, but I could tell she thought the doll giving birth at the end was totally unnecessary)

I was 23, and I remember telling my mom that I was not going to declaw her, because I don’t have anything nice, anyway.  My mom reminded me that she could live until I was 40 years old.  She lived until I was 37.  So close.  And in that time, she burrowed a hole in my box springs, and in the back of my easy chair, and mauled the arms of not one, not two, but three couches. Like, I can see the wood underneath the fabric, and that wood also has scratch marks on it. So violent.  Maybe I shouldn’t have let her watch all those horror movies when she was a baby. 

I wasn’t ready for her to go.  She wasn’t old enough.  We had so many more movies we should have caught up on. 

Those of you who love animals, and always have one in your home, you know that there are some who belong to you more than others.  Scout was mine and only mine.  She belonged to me more than any other animal ever has.  And I belonged to her. 

Anyway, where was I?  Animal violence in movies.  I hate it, but I have to admit it can serve a purpose to advance the story.  Just don’t get greedy, Movies Like Drag Me to Hell.  I’m watching you.

What do you want to tell people about it?

I’m proud to announce that I am officially a co-host of the podcast, “My Bleeding Ears.”  The executive producer (aka my husband, Larry) asked me last week and I was honored to accept.  One of the job requirements is that I write a blog once a month that maybe has something to do with the podcast.  He suggested that the first one focus on “our dynamic.”  My inner teenager (let’s call her Jeva) rolled her eyes because she’s the part of me who knows that feelings are stupid and admitting to them leaves your soft underbelly exposed.  She hates anything that isn't sarcasm.

Ugh even just then I took a pause from writing this to look at Buzzfeed because I don’t like telling you this stuff.  Did you know the Honey Bunches of Oats lady is retiring?  She is, and I for one am really happy for her.  It’s unclear from the article whether she’ll receive royalties when the commercials air in the future, but she better. 

Ok, our dynamic.  When Larry first suggested that topic, I had no idea what I would write. When he asked me to write a blog, I thought he was asking me to report out on the horror movies I watch without him, or the ones we talk about on the podcast. I felt better about having those boundaries.
 

Because, what do you guys care about who we are as a couple?  You don’t. Why would you? You have your own stuff. 

Then today, I watched The Incredible Jessica James. The title character is a struggling playwright who teaches theater to grade-schoolers. At one point, one of her students, Shandra, tells her she can’t write about how she feels regarding [whatever subject; doesn’t matter] because she doesn’t feel anything.  Jessica encourages her to write four sentences about that lack of feeling. Shandra does this, and after Jessica praises her for articulating a very complicated state of mind that anyone can relate to, she says, “This is your one and only life.  What do you want to tell people about it?”  

Out loud on the train to work, much to the confusion of several other passengers, [Jeva] said, “Ugh, fine.”  I do want to tell people about it. 

I met Larry when I was 25.  I had decided to take a break from dating, and yeah it’s not like anyone was outside my window protesting that life choice, shut up.  It’s still a decision I made.  Then I met him.  You know how when you like someone, you project all kinds of things onto them to assure yourself that you belong together because otherwise you are clearly going to die alone?  Do most people do that, or am I the weirdo?  Well, I wasn’t going to do that with him.  Yes, he had nice teeth. Yes, he was a movie nerd.  Yes, he mentioned an obscure movie that I actually owned in our first conversation.  I wasn’t going to read into any of that, because that’s what I do, and then I have to undo all that crazy emotional stuff I did to myself once the relationship is over.

That was some private stuff I just wrote.  I’ve never written that or even said it out loud.  Jeva wants me to delete it and start again, but I’m not going to.

Men and women of science define love as an intense feeling of familiarity. I like that definition.  It puts a very large and labyrinthine feeling into a kind of perspective for me.  Makes it seem logical.  Like I can exist without it. 

When I met Larry, I really believe I had reached a point where I was ready, even looking forward to, living without that kind of romantic love. Also, he was Star Wars and I was Star Trek, so nice teeth or not, it couldn't work, duh. That made this blossoming whatever-it-was seem safer still.  What I didn't know then is that Larry had already done a good amount of individual soul searching just before we met. I don't know if he would call it that, but I would.

Everyone exists in this world alone, and no one will ever truly know anyone.  I lifted that from any number of authors; the one that comes to mind first is Mary Shelley, the last is Bret Easton Ellis, but that doesn’t make the sentiment any less true. 

Our dynamic.  So, how do I write about our dynamic?  Well, we are really different people.  I’ve known that since the beginning and accepted it.  I didn’t try to force us into an identity as I’d done in past relationships.  I think we work because I don’t know FEELINGS BLECH STOP. -Jeva

In our podcast, we are going to have similar and differing opinions.  I’m pretty sure that’s all he wanted me to focus on when he pitched the idea to me, but I have defied both him and Jeva to give you a teeny insight into who we are together. We’ll almost always agree about practical effects over CGI.  Maybe that makes us purists, but practical effects are usually better and if you disagree, you are the worst.  We both grew up watching horror films with our parents. Larry’s mom loved Army of Darkness; my dad and I have watched Fright Night countless times together. (And, Mom, we totally watched Invaders from Mars together, I remember.) We both love documentaries about horror, but not when the documentarian didn’t get the rights to show clips of the movie.  How can we assess the practical effects without clips? Be better. 

Different things scare/entertain us (and that statement is not exclusive to horror movies). Like how Sucker Punch didn't offend him to his very core and that almost hurts my feelings. Or that he didn't think Suicide Squad was that bad, like HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE A STRONG REACTION TO A MOVIE LIKE THAT. Or that his genre of horror is squarely in the 80s realm, and while I have a few favorites that I watched with my dad, my true loves are horror movies from the 90s. He’s The Thing to my I Know What You Did Last Summer.  The Blob to my Urban Legends.  We work because that last sentence really means something to me, and I know it will mean the same thing to him.  We all live and die alone, but sometimes we are really lucky and get to spend a lot of time with someone who makes us feel like we’re not. Alone. Larry is my someone.

And in the spirit of our mostly horror-themed podcast, we also die alone when we say things like, “I’ll be right back,” or partake in alcohol and drugs, or run up the stairs instead of out the front door, or enjoy sex out of wedlock, or investigate a strange noise, or make proclamations that the serial killer is totally dead now and we can all go back to camp, or generally trust anyone ever.  So we’re probably not out of the woods yet.  (I promised Jeva she could end with a bad horror movie-type pun.

BOOM.)  

#YOTOOYELO

Today I’m celebrating my Frankie Angel’s first re-birthday. One year ago today, his soon-to-be foster mom would get a text that he survived a surgery he was not expected to live through and was ready for life.  Three days earlier, he’d been found emaciated, anemic from fleas, with two large abscesses on his chest from wounds that hadn’t healed. The “nine lives” joke about cats really is based in truth. 

I was lucky enough to bring him home a few months ago. He may only have eight lives left, but this guy has a zest for it that rivals yours. His personality reminds me that when life randomly selects you for a beat down, you can come back more optimistic than ever. (And also that indoor plumbing is a fascinating miracle that shouldn’t be taken for granted, but mostly the first thing I said.) Happy Rebirthday, Frank.  (Yes, I got him presents.  Plural.  You only turn one on your eighth life once.  #YOTOOYELO)