But I Took a Selfie with James Franco, Plus I Don’t Live in Nigeria, So My Life is Still Pretty Awesome

The best part first, guys.  My parents’ good friends’ daughter is married to a guy who is besties with Chris O’Dowd.  Of course that makes us practically related, so on Mother’s Day weekend, when my mom, sis and I went to see Of Mice and Men in New York, we got to go backstage and meet him. 

For my friends who don’t watch movies (although I don’t know why we’re friends) Chris O’Dowd is the painfully adorable love interest of Kristin Wiig in Bridesmaids. 

So cute, right?? He’s playing Lenny opposite James Franco on Broadway.  O'Dowd was nominated for a Tony, and rightfully so.  He was wonderful. 

So, blah blah blah, we watched the play.  Play Highlights:

• Someone brought their pocket puppy, that started barking right before (spoiler alert!) Lenny accidentally kills Curly’s wife.  If you know the play, then you can probably see the irony in this. 
• If you don’t know the play, I overheard a teenaged girl sum it up for her mother after the play.  “It’s about these two men, and one of them keeps accidentally killing mice.” 
• That’s actually not a bad one-sentence synopsis of that play. 

After the play, we went backstage and waited in the greenroom for Chris.  He was super nice, guys.  He even apologized for keeping us waiting.  He immediately pulled my mom in for a big hug (he is a big dude) and a kiss.  While she turned red, I turned green.  We talked for a bit, and then let him be on his way, but as we walked out, Mom realized we forgot to get a picture.  I turned back and asked the stage manager if we could come back in, and before he could say no, James Franco literally ran into me. 

Four years ago in Vegas, I grabbed Patrick Stewart.  He wouldn’t take a picture with me, so I had to squeal like Brooke Adams and grab him instead. Totally logical.  This time, I was going to play it cool, dammit! 

Me [shaking and stumbling backward]: OMG, sup, James Franco!  Great show! So, can we take a selfie??

My Inner Monologue: Yeah. Smooth.

James Franco: Well, sure.

And he even held the camera.  **** you, Patrick Stewart!  (I don’t really mean that, like, AT ALL. But also?  I do.)

The rest of our weekend was great, too.  Which reminds me, check out this comedian, Sherrod Small. He is really funny. 

Now to the airplane ride home!  I left my mom and sis early because I had to be at work on Monday.  Lots of important work stuff happening blah-bitty blah shuffling paper around work.  It was storming in Chicago, so we had to re-route to Grand Rapids, MI.  We sat for two hours waiting.  I’m not complaining about that part.  It sucks, but the miracle of human flight is not always flawless.  (There’s a joke to go with this understatement, pertaining to recent events, but I think it’s still too soon, so you can just make it to yourself and try not to piss anyone off.)

After two hours, the captain assures us that we have clearance, so we’re just going to be towed into the gate for fuel, and off we go!  They strap us in and start pulling.  Suddenly, there’s a big “THUNK,” and then the plane rolls back a few feet.  Minor whiplash. 

Captain: Hey, all.  This is your captain again.  So….more bad news.  It seems the tow has pulled off a piece of the plane, so we’re gonna have to de-board after all.    

I hear groans all around me, but I do not groan, because I prefer to fly in an airplane that has all of its pieces. 

We de-board and look out the window at our broken plane.  Turns out, the piece was the NOSE OF THE FREAKING AIRPLANE.  I’m not an aeronautical engineer, but it seems like a pretty important piece.  You know what?  If the bathroom sink handle piece was missing, I would not want to take off.  The Butterfly Effect.  Look it up (but don’t see the movie unless you’re drunk.  Then go nuts).   

They tried to find us a bus.  It didn’t work.  I guess they were all out of buses?  An American Airlines employee got on the loud speaker for an update.  “Well, it looks like we won’t be able to find you a bus after all.  We will start looking for hotel accommodations, but this is going to be a lot of work for us to find 158 hotel rooms tonight.”

Oh my God, I am SO SORRY!  I had no idea that picking up a phone and talking into it numerous times would be so painful!  Can I get you anything?  You know, I wasn’t even angry, or really that upset until that woman took some of her shitty day out on 158 people stranded in Grand Rapids through no fault of their own except for deciding to book the flight.  Sometimes my job sucks, too, lady.  I have to get back to it in nine hours.  I guess it’s good that I don’t have access to an intercom system.

I decided to rent a car.  I am not nearly the only person who decided this.  At first, I was told they could only help people with reservations.  They were all booked up.  I got out of line, called Avis, made a reservation, got back in line, and got a car.  The attendant was fairly displeased, but that may have had more to do with what a smug asshole I was being when I got back to him.  My fault. 

Once I got to the lot, my space had no car, and I flashed to Planes, Trains and Automobiles, but honestly, I think I’d be OK sharing a bed with John Candy.  I mean, not now, but in the 80s he looked so warm and snuggly and it was rainy and cold outside. 

Anyway, they found me another car, and I drove home, avoiding a God damned MASSACRE of deer on the highway.  Like, did the Red Bull force them into the road?!?  It was horrifying.  And I thought to myself, I am not that deer.  I will be home safe and sound with my hubby (who is probably just as warm as John Candy) in three hours.  In fact, if this is the worst airplane story I ever have, *insert inappropriate and way too soon joke about recent airplane tragedy here* I am so lucky.  I just spent 27 hours (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GEDDIT I MET JAMES FRANCO FINE THE MOVIE WAS 127 HOURS SHUT UP) with my sister and Momma in NYC having a great time.  This isn’t even a blip on my radar of bad things that happened to me.  When I really think about it, I don’t have any blips.  Now, bring it in, guys.  Just like I bet John Candy would have.